Fellow colleges
Distinguished members of the press
I would like to take this opportunity
To personally and humbly thank each and every one of you
For joining us at this particular event
It is my hope that we can utilize this meeting of the minds
To successfully convey the essence of our platform to you
A grand and noble audience

As I look out among the faces, I reflect
Taking console in the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said,
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself"
Paranoia is a disease unto itself, and may I add
The person standing next to you
May not be who they appear to be, so take precaution.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, this is true
Many a young person has fallen prey
To the substances that alter the perspective
Of any right thinking individual
The problem with the youth today is
Because of their inexperience with the world
They cannot attempt to grasp the ideals
Set forth by myself and those who preceded me
But, as history has shown, they will come around
And embrace our philosophies
And become model citizens in their own right
God bless this great nation

They found James Ambrose dead in his cell
A gaping gash in his arm had drained him down to Hell
No one knew for sure if Ambrose was his name
They called him Yankee Sullivan in early days of fame
He'd known the game of fisticuffs had always treated him right
But no one knew the men who came and took his life that night

He'd spent some time in Botany Bay atoning for his sins
He fought a bout with Hammer Lane and took a tainted win
He was the hero of the Bowery, a prince of lawless times
Then was battered by the "Butcherman" in 1849
He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of might

But no one knew the men who came and took his life one night
He knew the game of fisticuffs
Lilly and McCoy were shy of a hundred and forty pounds
In 1842 they went a hundred and eighteen rounds
They begged McCoy to cash it in, he said that he would not
Got up and fought one more round then died right on the spot
He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of fight
But no one knew the game would come and take his life that night

He was a mighty golden boy, as gold as ever seen
But when he stepped up to the podium
You could tell that boy was mean
His arms was made of nickel, and his forehead made of wood
An affidavit from the principal says
"This boy just ain't no good"
He stood before the union, and he made a solemn oath
Uphold the purity of his creed, the others he would toast
He worked nights at the liquor mart, and he drank to pad his pay
When he caught him liftinı 40's, he shot a boy last May
His momma asked why?
His lawyer in the courtroom, made a noble plea
And the judge he gave him eighteen months, but he was out in three
When asked if he ever felt remorse while sittin' up in that pen
He said "Hell no, ya know a thief's a thief
And I'd shoot that fucker again"

They broke out in laughter again
His lip beaded with sweat as they strapped him in
And he stood by and waited to be called
The talk was of times thatıd gone by
And the quantity and quality of women they lie
His eyes welled with wet and his mouth had gone dry

As he stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls

He got up and tried it again
For lack of persistence is surely a sin
As he stood by and waited to be called
He looked to the lightning with glee
And admired his vessel for it's symmetry
Feeling twelve units shy of a bachelorıs degree

As he stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited to be called
He stood by and waited like the others before
For his turn to go over the falls

There's a time for lies
And a time for truth
I say, eye for an eye
Eye for a tooth

When I roamed young
I'd scavenge around
Every nook and cranny
Of our little town
It's nice, so nice, to be

Pull out the cannon boy
Steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls
SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF

She's so fine
She's so sweet
Mom and Pop they raised her
On huge slabs of meat

She's fine
A man of nine
Water derby day
Twenty six pumps
On a Crossman
And it's time to play

It's nice, so nice, to be

Pull out the cannon boys
Steal us some wine
Puff Tijuana Smalls
SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF

He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4
With the sharpness of a troubadour
I dare you look him in the eye
His stench would make a buzzard cry

He likes Burt in White Lightning
Camelback Cinema

In the dark she sat and wait
For her steady random date
Reflecting back to a time
When eager boys would stand in line
She likes Burt in White Lightning
He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4
Lurking in the corridor
He came to buy his weekly whore
At Camelback Cinema  

When I was born, the doc he held me by my ankles
Smacked my red behind
They hosed me down, wrapped me like a bean burrito
Then marked the date and time

Hats off, to the ones that string the beads together
And keep the ducks in line
Hats off to all the ones that stood before me
And taught a fool to rhyme

At thirteen, I made myself a motion picture
Out of lumps of clay
At fourteen, I pulled some weeds and bought a four string
Taught myself to play
At seventeen, I'd get naked with a beauty queen
At the Hot Tub Zone
At nineteen, she was livin' hard and snortin' drugs
That decayed her bones

Hats off to the ones that put it all together
And keep their ducks in line
Hats off to all the ones that erred before me
And taught me how to survive

Pass the pen there Billy Bob
I'll write us up a song
Or perhaps I'll pen a sonnet
If the melody sits all wrong

Hand me down a crayon
And I'll draw a mighty oak
'Cause of all my brother Masons
I'm the quickest with a joke

Catch me in the right light
You'll see my shapeıs shaped to please
And if I shank my trousers down
I'm hung just above the knees

You may have difficulty catchin' breath
When you hear my weighty name
I'm the one that told you, told you so
They calls me Puddin' Taine

Now step on up to dance the dance
And touch the hand that heals
Like the tallest hog on Wall street
I'm a wheelin' all the deals

They'll carve my face in marble
They'll etch my name in stone
They'll paint my noble portrait
And historify my home

You may have difficulty catchin' breath
When you hear my weighty name
I'm the one that told you, told you so
They calls me Puddin' Taine

Glad you came, glad you're here
Have some champagne, imported beer
Dig down in your dirt bag
And roll us out a spleef
Been erect here now for thirteen days
And I came to get relief
At Bob's Party Time
Pack my nose with cocaine
Feed my filthy hole
Bust out the dancin' women
I'm prone to lose control
And if by chance I fall down
And bust my head on the floor
Just wrap my wound in a porterhouse steak
And point me towards the shore
At Bob's Party Time

Burnin', I feel a burnin' in my stomach
I wanna' know if I'm a gonnaı make it
If I don't just spread my ashes
If I do just spread your mind

Swimmin', I see myself a treadin' water
I see no signs of any other people
There's a heron up above me
I lay back and spread my mind

Duchess, she used to be a movie maker
She used to like to watch the boys watch her
And she saved enough money
To go to Cal and spread her mind

Billy, used to follow the Dead with Arnie
And they made a hundred thousand dollars
But ended up in federal prison
Twenty years for spreading minds

Came up on a worried man
Asked him if he had a light
He reached on down, dug in his shoe
Figured in his sock he might
He asked if he could come and join
At what we was partakin' in I says,"Ol' soul if you got a match
You also got yourself a friend"

The smoke drew hard but laid in good
The neon gave us extra shine
We passed around a flask of Knockando
And a half litre bottle of wine
The worried man dropped down to his knees
And let out with a somber groan
He looked up to me and when I asked
He said,"I'm just restin' my bones"

I looked down at him, and him up at me
Then a smile rose above his chin
He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me down
Said," Listen to me now my friend"
When I was your age I did it all
More than many men could do
Now my possessions are the ones I wear on my back
And this lighter I keep in my shoe

That's why I'm restin' my bones

I'm restin' my bones for the times I fell
Fell and hit myself on the ground
Restin' my bones for the loneliness
Of being the only genius around
I'm restin' my bones for prosperity
In hopes that it'll do me some good
I'm restin' bones from amphetamines
See they turned teeth to balsa wood
I'm restin' bones for Johnny Cash
Cause for me and mine he's wearin' black
I'll be restin' my bones for Elvis
I seen him last week at the track
If I'm restin' bones and you come along
Just try and tippy toe on by
Cause when I'm restin' bones I hope to sleep
And maybe slip away and die  

I went down to Coddingtown to buy for Lucky Dog
Moved on up to Sono-co to clear my head of smog
People 'round town they all line up to buy them Chevrolets
But me I talked to the Mopar man, been talkin' now for days

I went down to Coddingtown, it seemed the thing to do
You can get it all down there from tennis balls to glue
Standin' up in the ol' smoke shop, met a girl named Honey Pie
If you shamble long enough you wanna go, you gotta go

Bring me on back

Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown
That's the place to be
Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown
That's the place for me

I went down to Coddingtown and met old Santy Claus
Beanie Boy got a hold of that beard, nearly yanked it from his jaws
I stepped on up to the pizza man and gobbled down some filth
I shambled 'round now too damn long, I wanna go, I gotta go

Bring me on back

Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown
That's the place to be
Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown
That's the place for me

A B C D E F G H I gotta gal wears her toenails long
Drives a red Barracuda, singin' meat packer songs
And she ain't from Kalamazoo

A B C D E F G H I gotta friend lived in a Mercedes-Benz
Then a '55 Chysler where the trunk never ends
And the plates say Kalamazoo
He had a steady job and watched what he spent
He'd say I don't believe in payin' no goddamn rent
I'll squirrel away every goddamn cent
And buy my own damn house down in Kalakazoo

I knew a guy that mangled his hand
And he went from pipe fittin' to a hot dog stand
They say last year he cleared fifty grand
Selling dogs 'round Kalamazoo
She turned to the world with a bastards child
Said, "I just can't handle him he's too damn wild"
But the years and the liquor have made him mild
And he lays around Kalamazoo

There was this kid in our neighborhood
His Pop had named him Renegade
He lived up to his name
With all the trouble that he made

One day ol' Renegade
Snuck into the Park Theater downtown
For a laugh me set fire to the screen
Burnt the whole damn place to the ground

He thought that no one would mind
He did that sort of thing all the time
But his Pop was waitin' for him

At age fifteen Renegade
Stole a tow truck from Arnie' Shell
Drove it through the front of a hardware store
Spent the night in county jail

He didn't seem to mind a bit
He liked the attention he would get

The man he stepped up to the microphone and he gave it a kiss
It was a big wet, slippery kiss
And he had sweat dripping off of his nose onto the windscreen.
As he looked out over the audience he said
"God bless you, God bless you one and all"
Then he took a can of Ronson lighter fluid
and he squirted it over the top of his head
And proceeded to light himself on fire
As he stood there glowing and said,
"Remember this day"