My name is Mud
Not to be confused with Bill or Jack or Pete or Dennis.
Mt name is Mud and it's always been...
'cause I'm the most boring sonsabitch you've ever seen.
I dress in blue--yes navy blue.
From head to toe I'm rather drab, except my patent shoes.
I make 'em shine, well most the time,
'cept today my feet are troddin' on by this friend of mine.
Six foot two and rude as hell.
I got to get him in the ground before he starts to smell.
My name is Mud.

My name is Mud, but call me Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie.
That's long for Mud so I've been told.
Told that by this sonsabitch that lies before me bloated blue and cold.
I've got my pride. I drink my wine.
I'd drink only the finest 'cept I haven't earned a dime in several months,
Or were it years.
The breath on that fat bastard culd brin any man to tears.
We ha are words, a common spat,
So I kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat.
My name is Mud.

Oh, welcome to this world of fools,
Of pink champagne and swimming pools.
Well, all you have to lose is your virginity.
Perhaps we'll have some fun tonight
So stick around and take a bite of life.
We don't need feebleness in this proximity.

Ask good MacDuff and Donalbain, so many good ideas are slain
By those who would dare not step out of line.
But if I have my way tonight, and chances are I think I might--
I'll turn those sour minds into grapes of wine.
Welcome to this world.

Don't judge the boy by what you hear.
The words are heard beyond the ear.
The heart and mind are focus for conversation.
But be abound in mystery for that so much you do to me.
For there are those who drown in adulation.

Welcome to this world.

If I had a dime for each time that I had heard them preach,
Well I'd have wicked thoughts upon my brain.

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself.
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived.
His woman and his little bro came from home from the grocery store.
Only to find him dangling in the apartment where he lived.

I had a friend who shaved his head. Put his Doctor Martins on,
And drew such wonderous pictures in the apartment where he lived.
He praised my creativity, though he spoke sarcastically.
Oh, the conversations in the apartment where he lived.

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself.
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived.
Rock, she thought him spiteful; Ler, he thought him pitiful;
Me, I've never been back to the apartment where he lived.

I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV.
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean.
Stood there and I've waited, and choked back the urge to scream.
And if I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee.
--call it pointless.

When I need relief I spell it THC.
Perhaps you may know vaguely what I mean.
I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory.
As I slowly inflict upon myself a full labotomy.
--call it pointless.

Barbecues, tea kettles, gobs of axle grease.
There comes a time for every man to sail the seas of cheese.
Now, life's a bowl of bagel dogs, but there are unpleasantries.
Cold toilet seats, dentist chairs, and trips to DMV
--call it pointless.

I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV.
Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean.
I've stood in line and waited near and hour and fifteen.
And if I had my druthers, I'd screw that chimpanzee
--call it pointless.

The old Diamondback sturgeon came swimmin' along,
Minding his business one day.
Rooting and sniffing and urging to spawn
In the mud flats of San Pablo Bay.

A scent came around so he followed his snout.
He found what was to his surprise.
A golden morsel, a tidbit, a tight bunch of grass shrimp
Was there right before his buck's eyes.

He circled round twice and he took a big whiff,
Then sucked up this savory meal.
Them came a jolt and to the Diamondback's surprise,
Through his lips cut the cold, barbed steel.

In a panic the old diamondback sped to the north.
He sped to the east, west, and south.
But the harder he swam, he still could not break free
From the "tugging" that pulled at this mouth.

The old diamondback sturgeon came swimmin' along,
Minding his business one day.

I pull the blinds,
Then I take my clothes off.
Dance around the house like nature boy.
My genitalia and pectoral muscles aren't quite what I would like them to be.
But you don't see me.
No one can see me.

I pull the blinds.
Fill out my income tax forms.
Penn in hand I write so legibly.
I have my kitty. His name is Allowishus. I stroke him.
But you don't see me.
No one should see me.

I pull the blinds
for the sun glares off my tele and I find it so irritating.
I have my videos--loads of Ren & Stimpy,
Bottom--a bit of pornography.
But you don't see me.
No one should see me.

By the light of lamp I sit to type--
My notes on tab at my side.
I don't see the sun much these days.
A flourescent tan covers my hide.
How much impact shall I have this time?
My goal today is to reach the deadline.
I write between the lines.
I deal with fantasy.
I report the facts.
Give them to me, please.

Ham and egg salad on white bread
Keeps my company on nights like this.
A pack of mentholated cigarettes
Keeps my air nice and thick.
When I write, words flow
Like coins from a candy box.
Get out of my way.
I've got something to say.

The pulse is beating louder now.
The cramps in my head grow more intense
With each tik, tik, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap on the keys.
My social life is at an end
So it seems to be.
Why don't I trample on your lawn today?
I'll take skies of blue, turn over skies of grey.
I write between the lines.
I deal with fantasy.
I am the the pressman.
Acknowledge me.

Mother always told me never stray too far from home.
The little lady said
"Boy you'll never have to be alone,
Because,
You build with fountain pen.
You create the memory stain.
You are the pressman.
Stand up straight, boy.

Hello Mr. Krinkle.
How are you today?
Seems the rumors are abound, your team might move away.
Now, me I'm sentimental, but I'm not one to cry.

Say there Mr. Krinkle,
let's cruise the Bastard boat.
Damn them sonsabitches with there gill-nets set afloat.
I flip on my tele and I watch the waters die.
C'mon Mr. Krinkle, tell me why.

Hey, Ho Mr. Krinkle,
Have you heard the brand new sound.
It's a cross between Jimi Hendrix, Bocephus, Cher, and James Brown.
It's called "Heavy Hometown"
New wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie, dry
C'mon Mr. Krinkle, tell me why.

It's incredibly hot in here today,
Incredibly hot in here.
It's incredibly hot in here today,
Incredibly hot in here.
The air is getting slippery and it's not to my surprise.
My heart, it beats irregularly and the sweat it fills my eyes.
I do not mind what I excrete 'cause I'm here to make a buck.
And those that cannot take the heat can take a flying...
Forgive me if I hesitate,
It's incredibly hot in here today
Incredibly hot in here.

The dogs are barking merrily as Jerry sits on high.
If you've studied your Floyd properly, you'd know that pig could fly.
Now if you want an encore, you might hear Is It Luck.
But me, I'd rather play Residents, 'cause I don't give a...
Forgive me if I hesitate,
It's incredibly hot in here today
Incredibly hot in here.

Now, Fatty, he's a hell of a guy, but he smells like a dancing mule.
He likes to hang out at Checker Gas
With the Chets he knew from high-school.
He sold enough crystal meth to buy a stepside truck.
But if you ask me twice I'd say the boy ain't worth a...
Forgive me if I hesitate...
It's incredibly hot in here today
Incredibly hot in here.

The act of persperation is far beyond control.
If the heat compels you to aspirate please try not to miss the bowl.
If sweatiness makes you horny, well, darlin' I think you're in luck,
'cause all of this clever banter gives me the urge to FUCK.

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